PATRICIA SARAH MITCHELL
life coach blog
PATRICIA SARAH MITCHELL
life coach blog
Complacency
Many moons ago I went on a ‘Vision Quest’ in Almaria, Spain. It is the land of spaghetti westerns, rugged terrain, and temperate climate. The point of Vision Quests is different depending on who ever you talk to. Purists say the quest is a rites of passage for young men of the tribe to see what their purpose is in life. They go out into the outback/wilderness and wait for a vision, and they return a man. Most indigenous tribes have some sort of rites of passage ceremony. The western version is slightly different, and varies according to who you go with and what their shtick is.
My ‘vision quest’ was to be spent in an outcrop of rocks which included a little cave for shelter, enough water for 4 days and nights, a summer sleeping bag, a couple of jumpers, a few oat cakes and nuts, due to my tendency to hyperglycaemia (purists say no food), no note pads, books or any form of distraction.
You are supposed not to sleep but the moment I found my little area I knew I was home for four days and fell fast asleep. It was one of the best sleeps ever; I remember it to this day. I had a fear that I wanted to face; my fear was that left on my own, with no distractions, I would go crazy… I wanted to face this fear. I did not go crazy. I did however have many insights, and when I left my cave and little outcrop I cried because I had amazingly bonded with this little piece of land that was home to me for four days and nights.
One of the most striking ‘insights’ I had, looking back now, was the afternoon I sat on a large rock just outside the cave I sat and slept in at night, watching the world around me. I saw how the grass down into the valley had so many different shades of green that its beauty was overwhelming. I saw the birds play with the air currents, I guess I had never before thought about birds playing. I saw the little lizards melting into the rocks until they were almost impossible to see. All my neurosis and city thoughts melted away… until it started to get hot. I had promised myself I would sit on the rock, which had a convenient and comfortable dip in it perfect for my butt, all day and just be still in nature. But as it started to heat up I started to sweat and feel uncomfortable, very uncomfortable. Here is a shortened version of the dialogue that went on in my head:
“Shit this is not so nice. I’ve got to get in the cave!”
“No, you need to sit here. You aren’t just your body, and you aren’t just your thoughts! Sit and be still”
“OK!” … “No, its no good, this is too much!”
“You are ridiculous. This is not too much – remember in the sweat lodges, you know you can push yourself further. The whole point of this is to transcend the predicament and see what comes!”
“OK! I’ll try!”
“You’re really putting too much energy into thinking about this and missing the moment!”
“Maybe I’m just not cut out for this? I really don’t think I can take it. The sun is so close to going down, if it could just hurry up and go down, I’d be fine!”
“Really? You want the sun to go down just for your comfort?!”
“YES!”
“What if this were the last day of your life. Think about that! Would you want the sun to go down fast then, and for it all to be over?”
…. (Pause)
“Yes … I am too bloody hot!”
I confess, even at the time I was shocked. I was shocked that I would not appreciate my last moments on this planet in preference for comfort. I knew I meant it, I really considered the question I had asked myself and wanted comfort above all else. I knew then my priorities were upside down. I did not like that reply, even though it was honest; it haunted me for a long time, as if I was dead inside to have chosen comfort over life.
Fast forward to August 2017, a year after I was diagnosed with insulinomas, now removed and all is good! I have my life back, it was a bit touch and go there for a while; potentially life altering, though not life threatening. I had a lot of time on my own to think about life, and how precious it is. A few days ago I stopped at ‘Top ‘O Topanga’ look-out point and saw the sun going down (pictured). I thought; “What if THIS was the last day of your life?” And I burst into tears, the preciousness of life overwhelmed me. And maybe it is the ‘overwhelm’ that gets us, that we have to build neurons and emotional muscle for - maybe that is where the complacency lies...
I wish it had not been a medical emergency that shook me out of my thinking, and I have to be alert not to dip back into it, but I guess I have to be grateful for everything! And I am!
Monday, October 1, 2018